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Cracking Heads and Minds

Even before Aidan Delgado shipped out to Iraq, he was already bothered by comments his fellow soldiers and officers were making about Muslims when a top officer in his unit remarked that they were heading off to Iraq to kill some ragheads. This didn't bode well. When he got to Iraq, the talk turned to into some rather unpleasant action. He detailed incidents of soldiers lashing children with a Humvee antenna, kicking small children in the chest, screaming and yelling at locals who had done nothing wrong.

And then there were the Coke bottles. Hard, glassy Coke bottles. Apparently, Delgado's compatriots liked to carry empty Coke bottles in the back of their Humvee and, while driving past civilians, would reach out and crack the empty bottles on Iraqi heads. Now, we here at the BHC are not expertly versed in military tactics, but this strikes us as a particularly poor method for winning the hearts and minds of the local populace. When Delgado asked what his mates were hoping to accomplish by cracking Iraqi skulls at random, he was told that these lads just didn't like being there. That and the damnable locals hate freedom so they probably deserved such rough treatment anyway.

We here at the BHC would have liked to impress upon these soldiers that it was not the locals who brought them to Iraq. It was George Bush and his staff of neo-con hatchet men who did that. Perhaps we could unleashed these boys on Pennsylvania Avenue and K street with a Humvee and a few cases of Coke bottles and let them have at it.


Hearts and minds ....

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Penny Wise

As the BHC indicated in Volume 51, Wall Street and the stock market can be a dangerous place for your retirement investments. But guess what? Governments, at times, will not be averse to screwing with pension and compensation funds, too!

Yes, gentle readers, it seems the Ohio has been investing its Bureau of Workers' Compensation monies in a local Republican's -- imagine! -- coin investment fund by buying rare nickels, dimes and pennies. Former chairman of the Lucas County Republican Party, Tom Noe, made more than a million dollars off the transactions last year. But this seems to be a deal that is better for ol' Tom than he has any right to expect. No other state government has ever invested government funds in rare coins -- the market is entirely unregulated.

So just how did Tom's company, Capital Coin -- which counts as its only client the Ohio state government --earn such confidence in an unregulated market? Hmmm ... this might be clue: Tom has given bunches of money to Republican Governor Bob Taft and US Senator George Voinovich (R-Ohio). This is truly heart warming. Give and ye shall receive. Those Republicans really are Christians! A holy circle of GOP money love.

Cranky critics of this arrangement -- no doubt those not fortunate enough to join in this mutually beneficial Republican circle of giving -- claim this is a purely political back room deal. Balderdash! says Ohio state spokesmen Jeremy Jackson. The sweet Republican insider deal had nothing whatsoever to do with politics. The BHC believes this well. It had everything to do with making free money off the investments of state workers. Politics is just what brought the happy players together.


Circle of Love

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Patterns? What Patterns?

Under the auspices of Secretary of State Condolezza Rice, the State Department has decided that after nearly two decades, the yearly report "Patterns of Global Terrorism" need not be published anymore. The BHC is guessing this means the White House has WON the war on terror; that there is so little terrorism around the world it is just not worth writing about anymore. Yipeee!

Of course, this is most assuredly not the case. In fact, by underhanded ways, some have discovered that there were roughly three times the number of "significant" terrorist attacks in 2004 than in 2003. And 2003 wasn't such a banner year in the war on terror either, having posted an all-time record number of attacks of 175. And 2004? Six hundred and twenty five significant attacks, a number supplied by the National Counterterrorism Center. And if readers think that number sounds bad, it doesn't even include attacks on American troops in Iraq. You know, that "central front in the war on terror."

Former CIA analyst Larry Johnson charges,

Instead of dealing with the facts and dealing with them in an intelligent fashion, they try to hide their facts from the American public.

Well, Larry, that certainly does appear to be the case. But State Department officials "categorically" deny that politics had anything to do with the suppression of the report. Of course, we all believe this because of how straight forward the Bush administration has always been with the public when things are going badly and demonstrating the asinine quality of White House policies.

Secretary Rice's office claims to be "leery" of the methodology used by National Counterterrorism Center, apparently unsure that counting is a robust method for generating statistics.

The White House has been demonstrating for some time a rather severe pathology whereby the acts of repression and arrest are seen by them as viable ways of dealing with reality. And repression is rampant with this White House. The stalling, obfuscating and flip-flopping before the 9/11 commission were breathtaking. The dissembling about Abu Graib was priceless. We are all now familiar with the Bush campaign trail strategy of allowing only Bush supporters into rallies and cordoning nay-sayers into those ever-popular "free speech zones." On the current Social Security privitisation campaign trail, it's the same way: sign the "I love Bush" oath or keep out. And let's not forget the arrests. Lots of arrests.

Of course, we have seen this behaviour in other pathological regimes, namely, the Soviet Union. When reports of poor air quality in and around Moscow were issued and indicated the dangerously noxious substances that Muscovites were breathing, the Politburo promptly halted the air quality study. No report, no problem. This is a political tactic that saw its elucidation by Stalin during that psychopath's reign of terror when he stated his preference for the expediency of elimination. Admittedly, Stalin was talking about the elimination of troublesome people, not reports:

Death solves all problems - no man, no problem.

But no matter. The mentality is the same.


Nothing to see here. Move along ... .

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Arctic Drilling: The Pros

Now that Congress has approved drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR), White House supporters and other conservative wonks are all atwitter at the prospect of befouling this remaining vestige of wilderness. In fact, Neal Boortz displays a palpable and unseemly excitement:

Get ready to ship the oil rigs up north to the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge!

He gleefully spouts off about how there will be "NO damage to the precious frozen tundra," clearly indicating his disdain for what he no doubt considers to be worthless wasteland and those unfortunate idiots who might think wilderness more precious than oil.

Yes, Neal is excited. He is also thrilled about how much oil is there:

The potential is huge...it is estimated that there is 10.4 billion barrels of oil under the barren, frozen wasteland.

Huge! Neal can hardly contain himself. Sadly for Neal and his fellow, ill-informed soldiers, 10 billion barrels of oil is not huge. As the BHC has demonstrated previously, the potentially recoverable reserves -- as estimated by the US Department of Energy -- would satisfy US oil consumption for 515 days. That is assuming, of course, that 28 million barrels a day could be shipped down from the frozen wasteland. And we all know that won't happen.

What is likely to happen? It is estimated that it will take several years before the first drop of ANWR oil begins its journey down the Alaska pipeline. Hardly a timescale that will help gas prices now. Oil futures would likely see a price drop, but there is another problem with which Neal's excited state will have to contend.

The Trans-Alaska pipeline is currently pumping about 1 million bbls/day from Prudhoe Bay to Valdez, and it has been determined that that flow is nominal. Tests have shown that doubling the flow (2 million bbl/day) cannot be sustained. This means that even if Exxon could suck all the oil out of ANWR at once , there is no viable way to get that oil to market. The pipeline is pumping at capacity right now. Today, the US is getting a million barrels of oil a day from Alaska and with conservative wet-dream drilling in ANWR, we will still be getting a million barrels of oil a day from Alaska. New oil will not enhance available supplies, unless Congress is also willing to build another pipeline or double the capacity of the current infrastructure. And we certainly haven't heard anything about that from the deep thinkers in Washington. Of course, Neal is happy and it is an happiness that seems to be informed by a pure and blissful ignorance. What joy!

Despite Neal's unreasonable happiness, another conservative thinker thinking deep thoughts has attempted to quash concerns about the environmental effects of drilling rigs and pipelines in the delicate Arctic hinterland. In fact, Noel Ward tells us that any unnatural effects humans might exact upon the landscape are actually very, very good. We here at the BHC have to admit we have never before heard Noel's argument. He describes that the Trans-Alaska pipeline is good for the local flora and fauna because the warm oil pumping through pipeline makes the plants and animals happy. Happy, happy, happy. Green growth bursts forth from the pipeline-warmed ground and that makes the caribou happy. Yum yum. Yes, gentle readers, Noel tells of gathering herds of caribou nuzzling the Trans-Alaska pipeline as though it were some life-giving teat. And he tells us more of the warm wonders of the pipeline:

The pipeline also attracts nesting birds, and the burrowing inhabitants of the elsewhere frozen tundra are known to make their homes beneath it.

Well, that is just plain adorable. Noel's concern for the furry animals of the arctic might indicate a desire to crisscross those barren lands with vast number of pipelines, just to make those poor, cold creatures more comfortable. Such might be Noel's concern, perhaps he is on the verge of proposing a vast grid of heat lamps spanning the Alaskan wilderness, just to keep all those cute and furry creatures warm and toasty. What a nice man.

Actually, Noel is a muttering idiot. But then you, gentle readers, had likely already figured that out. Alas, it does seem as though Noel is unaware of the fact that wildlife in Alaska has existed in that environment for tens of thousands of years without ever having had a pipeline to keep them warm at night.

Naturally and also, Noel burps up the same tired and uninformed opinion as the thoughtless, drill-happy Neal: that ANWR drilling will instantly bring oil prices down merely by force of will. But don't blame them. Noel and Neal drank ... the Kool Aid.

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Pyramid out. MyPyramid in

We are all familiar with the worthless food pyramid the US Department of Agriculture foisted upon the American public those many years ago when health nabobs realised that Americans were too fat and eating poorly. American citisens choose to roundly ignore the USDA's nutritional recommendations contained in the pyramiid and continued to slurp up inordinate amounts of bad food and now 65% of the adult population is overweight.

Given the obvious lack of utility of the previous pyramid and a staff of civil servants with precious little to do, the USDA has announced a brand new pyramid. To make it sexy, it's called MyPyramid, with capitalisation in the middle of the word! Wow, that's crazy. This getting healthy thing is going to be one fun time.

And not only that, MyPyramid promises a new horizon for people searching for the ultimate health and nutritional guidance. In fact, Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns describes the new scheme as a "customized, interactive food guidance system." It's even got its own website! Surely, Americans will now pay attention to a sexy, high-tech "food guidance system." Damn, let's get on that ride!

Now, the BHC took a little trip over to what promised to be an exciting system of guidance, food and fun. Sadly, what we actually found was just a pyramid. Disappointingly, it is still an equilateral triangle and not even a sexy scalene. Granted, there is a difference. Instead of boring old horizontal sections of a pyramid, with the bowel churning "whole grains" at the bottom and artery-hardening fatty foods at the pointy top, MyPyramid shows vertical slices of a pyramid but of exactly the same stuff.

We wonder if anyone is going to pay attention to this or will Americans just ignore it like they did that last effort.


System down ....

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Head and Shoulders

After George Bush gave his lacklustre press conference on April 28, White House sycophancy was kicked into high gear by the deadheads at Powerline, the blog of good and righteous Kool Aid drinkers everywhere. Indeed, such was the disconnect between John Hindraker's assessment and Bush's performance, one would have to wonder whether Hindraker (who pens his slouchy blathering under the name Hindrocket, which, as you might expect, was instantly reconfigured by lefty blogs as Assrocket) actually watched George Bush speak:

A Great Job ...

...by President Bush tonight...For whatever reasons, he doesn't like doing press conferences. But if I were advising him, I would tell him to do a press conference every thirty days. He stands head and shoulders above his Democratic rivals, intellectually, politically, and morally. What I don't know is, was anyone watching?

Appearing baffled and unable to see the reasons why Bush and his handlers don't like him doing press conferences -- reasons that we expect even George Bush recognises -- we really have to wonder whether Assrocket was watching this typically poor display. Especially considering that the press con was another rich trove of Bushisms that will likely have chroniclers busy for days. George Bush's towering intellectual might is such that it had him saying things like this

It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way.

Fortunately for Bush, Assrocket is not advising him. Karl Rove is advising him -- and dressing him in the morning and tying his shoes -- and the strategy of keeping Bush from making a fool out of himself more than is necessary obviously has demonstrated its value.

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Ethics Is As Ethics Does

When Republicans started mucking around with the House Ethics committee after it had admonished Tom DeLay three times last year, it was obvious to everyone (with the likely exception of Assrocket) that politics was on the table and ethics tossed into the dust bin. The GOP relieved the chairman, Joel Hefley (R-Co), after the three rebukes and then set about changing Republican caucus ethics rules that used to require any Republican to step down from leadership should they be indicted.

Of course, the flies were then, and are now, buzzing around DeLay, but the move was so overtly political the public cried foul. House Repubs backed off and adopted a less obviously political ethics rule but one that would still make it difficult for any ethics committee to investigate DeLay (for more on this, see The BHC, Volume 37, Cool Rules ).

But now that the rotting smell of Tom DeLay is just too pungent to ignore, Republicans unchanged their caucus rules -- the very ones they had changed last fall -- and voilá! the ethics panel will "investigate" DeLay's various back-door dealings and exotic world tripping with Jack Abramoff and others. Two stalwart DeLay backers on the committee, Lamar Smith of Texas and Tom Cole of Oklahoma, have now recused themselves from the DeLay hearings.

Given the partisan hacking of the ethics committee by Republicans over the last few months, Tom Cole can still muster some truly brilliant GOP politicking and manages to take a shot at Democrats over the DeLay issue:

Those that sought to politicize the ethics process should start putting the institution ahead of their partisan agenda.

Yes, dear readers, that is Tom Cole (R-Ok) talking about Democrats. Truly a man creating his own reality.


What hacks ....

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The Human Touch

Japanese researchers have begun genetic modifications of rice by inserting a human gene from the liver that will, supposedly, enable rice to digest pesticides and other unsavoury chemicals. This has critics of GM foods reeling in disgust. Of course, no one really knows just what the effects of such modifications will ultimately have on the food supply or those consuming such products, but if there is one expert in the field of genetic modifications of biological systems we always enjoy hearing from it is Prince Charles, who likens such tinkering with playing God. Doesn't he have some cricket match to attend?


yuck ....

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Bushi, Cheneyi, Rumsfeldi

Entomologists have named three recently discovered species of slime-mold beetles after the George Bush (Agathidium bushi Miller and Wheeler), Dick Cheney (Agathidium cheneyi Miller and Wheeler) and Donald Rumsfeld (Agathidium rumsfeldi Miller and Wheeler). Now most of us could well imagine what that really means, but the scientists claim that they are simply paying homage to admired visionaries:

We admire these leaders as fellow citizens who have the courage of their convictions and are willing to do the very difficult and unpopular work of living up to principles of freedom and democracy rather than accepting the expedient or popular.

Slime-mold beetles. Admiration. Yeah, right.


Bugs R Us ....

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A Coke And A Smile

Roger Dow, chief executive of the Travel Industry Association of America, is very concerned about the tarnished image of America overseas. It seems that the US is losing billions of tourist dollars due to restrictive visa policies and the view that -- despite a large population of Goofies -- the US is not quite the Disneyland we would have everyone believe. Mr. Dow explains that the former positive perception of the US was a plus for US businesses but now international companies are suffering:

If we don't address these issues in tourism, the long-term impact for American brands Coca-Cola, General Motors, McDonald's could be very damaging

That's right, folks. If we can't sell Coke, press-board burgers and crappy cars to the world, we might as well pack up the great experiment of America right now.

Coke adds life ....

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Tennis Anyone?

A group of bison escaped from their pasture in Stevenson, Md and went on a rampage, freaking out locals in the process. And just what is it that bison crave when they manage to escape the paddock? Why, a spot of tennis.


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Zippity Do Da ...

...zippty-ay. My, oh my, what a wonderful day. We have a winner for the anti-bonehead item of the week.

Yes, folks, the good people in Espertantina, Brazil have declared May 9 a municipal holiday and officially designated it Orgasm Day. The town has been celebrating this day for years but now it is a recognised holiday.

After the former stodgy old mayor vetoed the holiday proposal, newly elected mayor Felipe Santolia valiantly sallied forth and signed the new law. What we really like about this story is how this region of Brazil is known for its staunch religious beliefs and how these lovely Brazilians don't seem to think that celebrating orgasms is some sort of devil worship. This is surely a blessed contrast to the Christian conservatives of this country.

Mark your calendars, people. May 9, Espertantina, Brazil. Might be worth a trip.


Oh, oh, oh, happy day!

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Ugh

Perhaps George is celebrating orgasm day. With the aid of his handlers, of course.


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It just keeps on coming ...